The 2008 Beijing Olympics get underway a week from today, but the media is already getting their coverage underway. Meet Garry Linnell of the Sydney Daily Telegraph, as he pays a visit to Guolizhuang, a Beijing restaurant that specializes in a rather, erm, unique cut of meat:

(Okay, guys, maybe I shouldn't have used the word "cut" up there. Ouch.)

I'll get the gag out of the way so you don't have to: this brings new meaning to the invitation to eat a bag of Dick's.

(Okay, ladies, maybe I shouldn't have used the word "gag," either...)

This was seen at the San Diego Comic-Con:

The Tetris-geek in me was appalled that the green L-shape didn't manage to scoot over one space to the left on the way down. Then I realized that it was just as well, as it would have just made the unholy union of the purple and blue pieces stand out that much more.

For when the white earphones that come with your JesusPhone don't scream "MUG ME" loudly enough:

My handwriting sucks.

Always has. I'm pretty sure I would have wound up as a computer geek regardless, but the advent of word processing sure as hell facilitated the transformation, and to this day I write in cursive in exactly two places: when I'm signing my name, and when I write a check. (Yes, I still write checks. Don't start.) When I'm writing down a note and not putting it on my Palm, I block-print, and even that isn't exactly neat.

So I'm reading through some of my video game news blogs, and I come across information on a new Nintendo DS title called Doodle Hex. Here's a quote from the Gamer's Universe review:

First off, to cast a spell you’ll have to draw the requisite rune on the lower screen, as opposed to holding a button down till everything in front of you melts. Do so with precision and your magic will carry additional weight, but make a dog’s dinner of things and it’ll fizzle out like one of our horrible punch-lines.

Needless to say, I will not be playing Doodle Hex. I bet this is what Hell is like: a small, dingy room, a comfy chair, a table next to it with a DS sitting on it, and this is the only game available to play.

(Okay, this and Deal Or No Deal.)

Apparently former Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss has fallen on hard times:

"I drove a Porsche and ate at restaurants where soup cost 30 bucks. Now I can barely afford a can of soup. Some days I eat the parrots' nuts because I can't afford bread."

...proving that there is nothing that woman won't put in her mouth to make a buck.

Actual tattoo:

Western Conference Semifinals, Game 3
San Jose Sharks	1
Dallas Stars	2
(F/OT, Dallas leads series 3-0)

Memo to Head Coach Ron Wilson: don't let the door hitcha in the ass on the way out.

Game Four is...screw it. If you want to know when Game Four is, first, it's in the post a few down from this one, and second, fark you for being a Dallas fan.

Western Conference Semifinals, Game 2
Dallas Stars	5
San Jose Sharks	2
(Dallas leads series 2-0)

Gotta say, caring more about the team's success than the team does really, really sucks.

Game Three is Tuesday in Dallas.

Western Conference Semifinals, Game 1
Dallas Stars	3
San Jose Sharks	2
(F/OT, Dallas leads series 1-0)

Bitch of it is, we actually played a pretty good game, even coming back from a 2-1 deficit with a late goal from Jonathan Cheechoo. Until we got to the overtime. Which is generally a bad place to start playing a crappy game.

Game Two is Sunday night, 6:00P PDT, in Glorious Hi-Def™ on Comcast Sports Net in the Bay Area, TSN in Canada, and Versus in the rest of the United States.

As promised, here's the second-round schedule for the Sharks:

Game 1: Dallas at San Jose, Friday, April 25, 7:00P (Versus, TSN)
Game 2: Dallas at San Jose, Sunday, April 27, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN)
Game 3: San Jose at Dallas, Tuesday, April 29, 4:30P (CSN-HD, TSN)
Game 4: San Jose at Dallas, Wednesday, April 30, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN (JIP))
Game 5: Dallas at San Jose, Friday, May 2, 7:00P (Versus, TSN)
Game 6: San Jose at Dallas, Sunday, May 4, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN)
Game 7: Dallas at San Jose, Tuesday, May 6, 7:00P (CSN-HD, TSN)

(I will point out that the last time the Sharks played on my birthday, in 2004, they beat Colorado 3-1 to advance to their first Conference Finals. When it was discovered that they had lost on their two previous attempts (in 1994 and 2002), the league was so appalled at this break from tradition that they canceled the following season.)

(Another aside, made topical by Owen Nolan's questionable goal in the second period of last night's game: since I see it finally replicated to the site, you're invited to have a look at my newest Rock Band band, Distinct Kicking Motion. (I'm also a member of Contestant's Row.) More details there when I get around to posting them.)

Strap yourselves in, kids, the ride's about to leave the station again...